I don’t think I’ve ever really written about my past on my blog, and recently I’ve been really inspired to do so, because there have been so many awful stories in the news about young women being raped/abused, and I also see a lot of abuse stories on tumblr. I’ve decided I don’t want to be silent anymore.
I dated him for a few months. At first he was incredibly sweet. He was my first “boyfriend” and I was only in 8th grade. He was “popular” and loved by everyone, and I became “popular” by association. Things seemed to be perfect. Until he wanted to know who I was hanging out with. Until I constantly had to check in. Until he started getting angry.
I tried to leave.
So don’t ask me, “why didn’t you just leave?” because it didn’t work. His control and my fear were a terrible combination.
I had never been in a relationship before, so I started to convince myself that everything he was doing was out of “love.” That our relationship was normal. and everything was wonderful. He started getting more and more manipulative, and I became more and more submissive. People actually started telling me I had to leave, but I was scared, and I didn’t know how. The bruises were never on my face. They were always covered by clothes. I was embarrassed because I wasn’t a good girlfriend. I was failing this boy that loved me and cared about me. I was making him angry, and I deserved the punishments I got.
Everything came crashing down and reality hit me hard one night around thanksgiving.
“It’s almost my birthday…”
That was his justification. That is what gave him the right and obligated me to have sex with him. I laid there and cried. I watched in the mirror on the wall.
The phone finally rang. It scared him, so he let me answer. It had already gone to my voicemail. but I pretended I was having a conversation and I quickly told him that my sister was on her way home from babysitting. He quickly got dressed and as he shut my front door he looked at me and said “I love you”
I began to cry harder. I called my dad’s cell phone…he answered after several rings. I could still hear the laughter hanging in his voice as he said “hello.”
The only world’s that escaped my lips were “Daddy, I think I’ve been raped”
That night my entire world came crashing down. No one in my town believed me. My family fell apart as my mother continued to cry herself to sleep, as I struggled with depression and attempted suicide, as my dad struggled because I couldn’t let him (or any other male) comfort me, and my sister was treated horribly because of her association with me.
Today, I still struggle with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. My boyfriend has to deal with my mood swings, and he also has to deal with anger at the boy who once destroyed me. My throat is lined with scar tissue which has left me with VCD and breathing problems that I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life.
But it got better.
Slowly. very slowly. but now, 10 years later, I can breathe easier. I don’t know how it happened, but I credit my family and the few friends that stuck by my side, the new friends I made that supported me and loved me, and my determination to prove everyone I was capable of moving on.
I am now working as hard as I can in the field of forensic psychology to help girls and women that are abused/raped/trafficked. I want everyone out there to know that you are NOT alone. and that there are people, even strangers, that care about them and want them to live and succeed.
You are stronger than what you have been through and you CAN make it. So please, don’t give up.
Lastly, I want everyone to know how painful it can be to be a victim. Not just because of the event, but because of society. WE HAVE TO STOP VICTIM BLAMING. It can ruin a victims life. When they’re all alone, all they need is someone to say that it’ll be okay. that they’ll listen. and most importantly, that they believe them.
It has taken me years to let go of the fact that my entire hometown didn’t believe me, that they took his side because he was “the gold boy”, that they scared me into dropping charges. but I’m trying to let it go. I can’t keep carrying this weight around.
so instead of hating y’all…I’d like to say thank you for showing me that I am better than you gave me credit for, and I never needed you or your support to become successful. And I hope that with all these awful reports in the news of social media, bullying, cyber bullying by their peers that often results in suicide, you think of me and realize how you practically ruined my life, and I came out stronger.
If anyone needs advice, an ear to listen, or help talking to family/doctors/psychologists/police about your situation, I will do all that I can.
Never give up the fight. There are people who have stories to tell and kind words to help you get through anything that feels impossible. I will proudly reblog this.